If the acronyms UB or YBM mean nothing to do, congratulations, you may have made it through the naughts unscathed. However, if, like so many of us, you were enlightened, informed, intimidated, and insulted on anonymous mommy message boards, I have bad news for you. The Mommy Wars are not over. And they are no longer anonymous.
I was on a Facegroup recently, a place to vent and share the challenges of raising teenagers. One poster lamented that her 15-year-old daughter was disrespectful (imagine – a rude 15-year-old – who would have thought??). Rather than a supportive chorus of been-there, done-that, the judge’s replies came fast and furious. The responders not only had incredibly respectful teenagers, but the parents alone were responsible for those non-snarky, hormone-free spawns. The poor poster must have done something wrong as a parent. Response after response helpfully told tales of how they’d “always treated their children with respect and gotten respect back” (Always? Really??). And, “That wouldn’t fly in my house.” (What does fly in your house? Pigs? Because that is just as likely as your teen never being snide.) It was, “That’s funny, my Sebastian loves kale” from Mommy & Me all over again.
The spectrum of when kids started dating is as wide as the Grand Canyon. Moms whose children have not yet discovered the distractions of dating exchange knowing looks when another mom mentions that her child has a texting admirer. Meanwhile, moms whose first-year students are smitten with suitors look down on the poor, uncool kids, destined always to be friend-zoned. We all know what happens to early bloomers, which isn’t pretty.
As our teens age, Moms boast of their economic prowess by purchasing fancy SUVs under the pretense of safety. The idea that any parent might send their child off in a second-hand jalopy sends shudders down their pilates reformer lengthened spines. I’ve seen those spoiled kids driving their Mercedes G-wagons around, and trust me, safety is the last thing on their minds.
It gets even worse as families face the ultimate challenge: college admissions. Then, my friends, you’ll hear the humble brags. “Alex is so busy between the crew and all of his AP classes, I don’t know where your Sophia finds the time to have a job!” Or, “Does Emily spend a lot of time on her homework? Poor Adam is so gifted; he is always bored in school.” I remember how I felt when my colleague described her two-year-old as “effortless” while my two-year-old… well took a lot of effort. And here we go again.
I was once a snarky teen, and I’ll likely lean on those skills when the Mommy Wars 2.0 gets too exhausting. I imagine enthusiastically greeting the Braggy Betties with, “How is Liam? Has he cured cancer yet?” Or “Olivia better slow down on the boyfriends; she’s gonna make her way through the entire school by senior prom, am I right?”
Of course, I never respond that way. Instead, I try to remember all of the times that I, too, tried to quell my anxiety by convincing others that everything was “going great!” I said with the biggest smile I could muster without crying. I try not to forget that we all have inner struggles, which we hide behind a perfect facade. Most of all, this too shall pass. Someday, we’ll compare pictures of our grandchildren – silently knowing ours is the cutest of the bunch but genuinely ecstatic at our friend’s adorable bundle of good fortune. And despite all of the snark, we – just like our teenagers – are being hijacked by hormones and do love the people in our lives.
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