My husband and I moved to Pittsburgh in September of last year. I grew up in the good old ‘burgh, and my husband is a native Pennsylvanian as well (more so north central PA). After nearly 20 years in the D.C. area, or half my life, I moved back home in search of cheaper real estate, more affordable everything and to be closer to my family, who mostly all live nearby.
I nervously left a tight-knit group of friends in Washington, D.C., hoping to stay in touch while making new friends in Pittsburgh. I have managed to keep in touch with those friends and miss them dearly. Once my husband and I settled into our new apartment, I thought we’d hang out with my family, and they would become our friends. I didn’t know how my family would all have their own lives. As the oldest of five, my three sisters and brother have families, jobs, and friends they’ve made over the last two decades since I was out of the city. My parents, both in their late 60s, still work full-time. My family has lived! Of course, my husband and I are a part of them, but as we all know, family is very different than friends.
While I will turn 38 in July, my husband just turned 43. We aren’t sure if we’ll have children, and we know time is certainly not on our side. We are slowly concluding that we might not ever have kids and that built-in friend base many parents have just by merely being parents, which leads me to this piece’s purpose—making friends in your 40s and beyond.
We made many friends in our previous apartment in Maryland, just outside of D.C.. It was easy, as the D.C. area is full of people from somewhere other than the city. We met neighbors from Alaska, Florida, the West Coast, the Carolinas, you name it. I also was lucky to have a tight-knit group of friends I met in college. I ended up meeting more friends through my local church, which was, to this day, the best parish I’ve ever been a part of.
Pittsburgh is different from the D.C. area. Many people here have grown up in the city and stuck around, remaining friends with others they’ve been close to for decades. My husband and I are completely different from when we left the state years ago. Since we moved six months ago, we’ve found it hard to make new friends. Sure, we have our new puppy Thor and each other, but there’s something about the value of a good friendship.
More than one-third of adults in the U.S. aged 45+ report feeling lonely. That feeling of loneliness can hurt your mental health. It’s so easy to get lost in weekly routines, making it difficult to put yourself out there and reach out to people.
Studies have shown that when people reach their 30s, they start to value the quality of friendships over the quantity of them. Many articles offer advice on making new friends in a situation like mine. One idea is to join clubs or activities that match your personality and interests.
One piece of advice I found particularly intriguing was “Build on acquaintanceships.” That was one of the biggest ways I made friends beyond my college friend circle in D.C. I was asked to help usher at church one Saturday evening, and from that day forward, I made two great friends in a duo of 80-something men who were guide “regulars.” My neighbor had a cute Dachshund who ended up liking my Frenchie, and once we started letting them play, a friendship between the neighbor and myself was born.
When conversing with a new person, I often feel awkward. That same article explains that embracing awkwardness when making new friends is important. I often feel weird asking someone if they want to exchange numbers. If I meet them with my dog, I often ask an icebreaker question like whether their pet has an Instagram (trust me, it’s a thing!). That will often lead to the exchanging of numbers.
My husband and I are slowly filling our calendar with ideas and activities to do together. We plan to visit The National Aviary to do a penguin encounter, visit a local amusement park I grew up going to that my husband has not yet, and participate in some pirate games. He also got me tickets to Taylor Swift’s June concert in Pittsburgh for Christmas (I still don’t know how he pulled it off!).
I plan to take advice like this to heart when embarking on the next six months here in Pittsburgh. In the meantime, regular phone calls and Zooms with my friends back in D.C. have made me feel less lonely.
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