Middle age is often considered a time of stability and reflection.
For many people, it is a time when they have finally reached the completion of many of life’s goals. The kids are grown, the nest is empty, and it’s time to start focusing on those “someday” plans to buy an RV and embark on an epic journey of inspiration, write a book, or just focus on themselves. Yet, whereas these are milestones for many couples joyously looking forward to that second half of life, they are also milestones that leave some vulnerable to a perpetrator of abuse. It can look very different from what we think that we know about how to identify a potential victim of abuse. As we age, the more dominant forms of domestic abuse begin to lean toward those of emotional and financial exploitation, which have different outward signs and symptoms than those of physical abuse.
However, I cannot express strongly enough that this does not make the negative effects of a seriously diminished quality of life any less painful or devastating. Alcoholism and suicide are prevalent among victims whose perpetrators isolate them as a form of coercion. You might ask yourself why someone doesn’t just leave. The fact is that there are many reasons why someone might stay in an abusive relationship. Older adults might feel like they have nowhere to go or not want to start over again. They might also be worried about what their abuser will do if they leave. Religious and cultural beliefs, as well as personal value systems, might also play a role in what a person is willing to endure from their spouse or partner. Some people take “till death do you part” quite literally and indeed do perish at the hands of their abuser because they are that committed to the vows that they took when they were married.
Intimate partner violence is often thought of as a problem that only affects young people. But the reality is that it can happen at any stage of life. It is also often thought to be a problem that only women endure. However, there are startling statistics to back the reality that men are also the victims of intimate partner violence in their lifetimes. According to the Centers for Disease Control, “About 1 in 3 men experienced sexual violence, physical violence, and/or stalking by an intimate partner during their lifetime.”
Emotional, financial, and sexual abuse are some of the more common forms as we ascend from our twenties and thirties into our forties and even upward into our golden years. (It should be stated that these statistics are based on reported incidences, and so the actual numbers are likely much higher as people tend to suffer in silence due to the stigma centered around this type of abuse.) Several statistics have substantiated the fact that domestic violence is becoming increasingly more common for both men and women between the ages of 40-60, with one in four women over the age of 50 experiencing it at some point in their lives. This increase is largely because medical advances over the past hundred years have caused our life expectancy to increase significantly. This means that people are spending more time in relationships. This allows for more opportunities for abuse to occur. Additionally, many abusers can control their victims more effectively as they get older together as this allows more time to master the craft of emotional manipulation and weaponizing a person’s trust in them.
This is in part, due to how well people can get to know one another throughout a lifetime and in part, because there are deeply rooted emotional problems within the abuser combined with an imbalance of equality in the relationship. Some families are perfectly fine with one person handling the finances, but things like this can lead to an opportunity for an abuse of power in the wrong circumstance.
Native American men and women are particularly vulnerable to domestic violence, with rates of abuse being two to three times higher than the national average. This is often because they live in communities that are already struggling with high levels of addiction and violence. Additionally, Native Americans may not have access to the same resources as other people, which makes it harder for this demographic to escape their perpetrators. Many Native Americans do not survive to see midlife due to domestic violence.
If you are a victim of domestic violence, know that there is help available. You are not alone. Many organizations can help you get away from your abuser and start a new life. You deserve to be happy and safe. Don’t let anyone take that away from you. Trust yourself and believe in your ability to dictate what is right for you. The best thing that you can do for your safety is to exit the relationship. Alternatively, if you know someone who is in an abusive relationship, extend an offer to help them create or facilitate an exit strategy. Be a friend. Listen without judging. Let them know that they are not alone and that there are people who care about their well-being. Provide resources, if possible, but most importantly just be there when they are ready to talk.
Use the guide below as a strategy for leaving. There are three phases to escaping an abusive relationship:
1. Leaving: In the “leaving” phase, it is important to have a safety plan in place. Begin by assessing the risk factors and mitigating the risks as they are identified. This may include packing a bag with essential items like clothes, money, medications, and documents well ahead of time and hiding it in a safe place away from your home. A social worker is a trusted person who can help you with resources before, during, and after you transition. You can also call a domestic violence shelter to see if they can take you in.
2. Staying Safe: In the “staying safe” phase, it is important to keep your location confidential and change your routines. This includes things like an order for protection, restraining orders, and a temporary leave of absence from your job, if possible. You should also create a support network of people you can rely on for help. One might even consider using a temporary alias as well. Of course, legal name changes takes considerable time to actually process and finalize, but it is an alternative long-term option for some.
3. Building a New Life: Finally, in the “building a new life” phase, it is important to focus on your physical and emotional health. This may include things like exercise, relaxation techniques, and therapy. It would help if you also thought about your financial future and how to become self-sufficient. Consider going back to college. This is your metamorphosis from somebody’s victim into a survivor. Reinvent your best and most authentically empowered self. This is where you will find that healing begins. Domestic abuse survivors often find strength and empowerment in helping others who are going through similar experiences. Domestic abuse survivors often find strength and empowerment in helping others who are going through similar experiences. If you can do so, consider volunteering at a local domestic violence shelter or hotline.
In conclusion, perpetrators of abuse need a victim to continue with what they do. It is important to remember that we always have the power to take ourselves from anyone when they can no longer handle it with care. As those in midlife, I’d like to believe that we have reached a point in our adulthood where we realize quicker than we once did, that things just aren’t quite right. It’s time to act upon those hunches sooner than later so that the abusive behavior does not become a part of our story for the rest of the chapters of our lives as well.
National Domestic Violence Hotline: 800-799-SAFE (800-799-7323) or TTY at 800-787-3224 National Domestic Violence Website: thehotline.org
loveisrespect.org provides information and resources for victims of domestic violence. https://www.safehorizon.org/ provides crisis counseling and support for victims of domestic violence.
https://www.cdc.gov/violenceprevention/intimatepartnerviolence/fastfact.html
https://nij.ojp.gov/topics/articles/violence-against-american-indian-and-alaska-native-women-and-men
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