Most mothers are coined “superhuman”. They get the most done in a small amount of time. Well, that’s what most of us see. But there is a whole other side to their “super humanness” that we don’t see and, quite frankly, that most moms don’t get to embrace. It’s like they are faultless. This ideal gives moms a great deal of pressure to perform and be the best, but even the best have bad mom days, too. They are moms, moms with flaws and all. And there is beauty in the flaws that we don’t see.
I suffer from a chronic illness, and for as long as I’ve suffered, my mum has suffered too. Only when I married did I realize she had carried the burden for me all these years. I looked at her and judged her for being “emotionless,” but she stayed strong for me. I was crumbling, so she couldn’t crumble, too, and what I saw as not reacting was her holding the fort despite the pain and fear she felt.
On Instagram and TikTok, we get highlight reels of people’s lives. We see reels of moms who make beautifully packed lunches for their children, clean the house, have amazing careers, have time to create content, and are these beautiful put-together trophy wives or partners to their significant others.
This got me thinking: what happens behind the scenes? And what are some of the things we don’t see? Because before being mothers, these women are human.
I discovered that, first and foremost, mothers feel an enormous amount of guilt- “mom guilt.” A great number of mothers think that they should be doing more. One mother said, “Being a mother has not been a walk in the park though I love it to bits. I always felt it was my destiny to be a mother. And still is, but my biggest fears about the adjustment are coming true. The older I am, the reality is sinking in. I’m always drained by the time I’m done with work, and I’m instantly struck with a wave of guilt that my kids are at home waiting for me to get there and give them the attention they need. I get home and struggle to leave my work hat at the door, or even get any “me time.” I know I need to improve because I’m losing myself and missing my family.”
Another thing affecting moms is “mom comparison.” Some mothers feel inadequate when they compare themselves to other moms in their communities. The work mom compares herself to the soccer mom and vice versa. The stay-at-home moms think they should be career-driven like the mom who is a top CEO. It’s a vicious cycle. All moms try to be the best they can be. And to the rest of us looking outside, it seems they are doing the most. But sometimes, they feel they should be doing more. They compare themselves to other moms in their circles or others they have seen on social media. Imagine reaching your life to a 30-second reel. This is true for so many women. Comparison truly is the thief of joy. Moms often question themselves and where they might have gone wrong.
I also spoke to moms who have physical limitations such as a chronic illness or a disability.
They, too, compare themselves to mothers who don’t have the above. They feel great sadness because they have the will to achieve certain things but physically struggle to reach them. They have many hopes, dreams, and wishes for themselves, their family, and their careers but sometimes they must listen to their bodies first. They feel there’s never enough time or energy to make any of it happen. They feel spread so thin that it feels like they are not good at anything. They feel like they are constantly drowning daily, trying to connect the dots and be perfect. This feeling overrides any good that they are doing.
Apart from being present for their children, they also desire to thrive and be present in their marriages or romantic relationships. Some new moms feel guilty for not being able to give their partner as much attention as before. They don’t feel sexy and desirable anymore due to their postpartum body and even postpartum depression. They feel bad for giving too much attention to their children and the home and not having enough energy left for their partners. They feel like they are letting the one they love down, even if they don’t say it. They want their partner to think that they are their top priority.
Moms desire to put their feet up, have the energy they once had when they were younger, and be able to fill their cups constantly. They know they must prioritize themselves sometimes, but it’s easier said than done. Sometimes, moms also suffer a great deal because they don’t have as much support from their partners as pictured, and I find it hard to balance my life between working, being a mom, and being ill. They may not communicate it, but they need a lot of support.
So, the next time you see a mom and think she has it, remember that it’s taken her a lot to get there and be the woman you see. She may have cried in the shower before she put on her makeup. She may feel unappreciated and drained, but she still woke up and made that amazing packed lunch for her children and partner. She may even feel physically unwell but showed up anyway. She is a mom. But she is human first.
To all the moms trying to figure it out and succeed, I hope you know it’s okay not to get it right. Some so many moms feel the way you do. Know your best is good enough and that you are sufficient.
We are flawed creatures, all of us. Some of us think that we should fix our flaws.
But get rid of my flaws, and no one would be left.
-Sarah Vowell
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