“At some level, every mother is a single parent!”
The above quote may not apply to every family unit. Still, it applies to a majority of them. Sad, but very accurate!
Despite having partners/spouses, parents, and in-laws to help, it is a very challenging journey for a woman on the path to motherhood. Even though she is the main character in the story, her decisions regarding children are not always heard, tolerated, or even respected.
As a part of our special edition on the occasion of Women’s Day, today we will be covering the topic of motherhood for all the lovely readers of TheMidLife.
United Nations Theme for International Women’s Day (IWD) this year is “DigitALL: Innovation and technology for gender equality.” And with the increasing rates of female infanticide and mortality rates for pregnant women in under-developed/developing countries, we hope that this Women’s Day theme brings about a positive change in the lives of to-be mothers, mothers, and other women of reproductive age. May they get the best access to healthcare and technological advancements to enable easy, safe, and pain-free childbirth and, after that, the critical care to recuperate and have the best vaccine access for their children.
Motherhood Issues, Decisions, and Challenges:
- Deciding To Be Child-free:
It is not easy to decide to be child-free. If you and your partner/spouse both are on the same page about it, then you are one of the lucky ones. However, if only one of you wants to be child-free, you are definitely in for a rocky relationship/marriage. Apart from this, society/friends/family/parents/in-laws will question this decision and torture you will find numerous [something.]
- Biological Child/Children & Surrogacy:
Pregnancy is a rollercoaster of emotions; delivering your biological child is the icing on the cake. Some people go through the surrogacy route when they can’t/won’t/don’t want to get pregnant but still want a biological child.
- Adopting:
Many couples want to adopt these days – more power to them! However, some face a lot of resistance due to the following:
- Social Stigma: Some people may think you have fertility problems; hence you are adopting. They won’t understand your noble cause at all.
- Grandparents: Somehow, grandparents love grandkids but biological ones. They might chastise you for going down the adoption route.
- Infertility:
You see people having kids all around you, and you yearn to have a cute little one of your own. You try for years to get pregnant but are unsuccessful. You consult doctors; they run tests and sometimes even find nothing wrong with you and ask you not to stress over it and give it time!
Phew.
The first blood spot on your period brings out the waterworks, and you fall into a depression that you can’t have a child. You start shying away from public appearances, parties, and especially baby-showers/kiddie-birthday parties because you can’t bear to hear the words – “So, when are you giving us the good news?”
Infertility is a curse. You need multitudes of strength, courage, fortitude, and good doctors to see you on the other side.
- Miscarriage: Navigating Grief:
It is said that if you ask about the age of her unborn child, any mother will tell you exactly. Miscarriage is a curse that mothers bear physically, mentally, and psychologically. Fathers-to-be are also involved and may face grief with the miscarriage, but women bear the brunt. And more often than not, people assume that you would be okay with having children after a miscarriage in, say, a couple of years. They don’t care to ask you, talk to you or even hear you while making decisions about motherhood ‘for you.’ They feel that you are fine now, you have recovered, and you want to go down the motherhood path again. Unfortunately, it is sad but true; in this case, women feel the pressure of ‘moving on,’
They often agree with the world, ‘ Okay, let’s have another child; this time, it will be different, and everything will be well.’
Do remember:
- Don’t give in to pressure
- Take your time
- Take all the time you need
- Do what your heart says. If you again want a baby, go ahead. If you don’t, then you don’t
- #BearHugs
- In Vitro Fertilization (IVF): A Long Road With Highways of Hope and Potholes of Despair
IVF is not easy. It has a lot of mental, financial, physical, and emotional twists and turns:
- Financial Aspects: It is a very costly procedure with no absolute guarantee of success. You may have to endure endless rounds of IVF before you have a cute little baby in your arms. Ensure that your insurance/personal finances cover everything before starting this journey.
- Mental Health: You need to be super-steely and mentally strong to endure the various ups and downs of IVF that will oscillate between absolute hope and utter despair.
- Physical Health: Even if you are financially & mentally strong, the physical aspects of IVF are not for the weak-hearted. The cascading hormones, endless daily injections & chemical medicines may make you question whether it is the right path.
- Emotional Aspect on Relationships: Couples may split because one person may be more dedicated to IVF, and the other may not be. This will cause a rift in your relationship, which may be hard to repair.
- Have a Child/Children But Didn’t Want to Have Them:
You didn’t want to have a child or a second child but were forced to do so. The problem is that now, it is your problem. The world thought that they were doing the right thing, and they have moved on, but now, as a mother, you are left to care for them, look after them and ensure they have the correct values to live by.
Typically, this happens for the following reasons:
- Societal Pressure: Society thinks something is amiss if you don’t have a child. Their constant prodding and pushing push you into a state of Fear of Missing Out(FOMO), and you may think that this is what you want as well. Sadly, that is an artificial push, and you will live to regret it later in life.
- Spousal Pressure: Partners/Fiances/Husbands often think that others also want what they want. They force their partners/wives to have a child/additional children because then ‘their family will be complete.’ They don’t bother to listen to their partner about her wishes, aspirations, and desires.
In the end, what happens is that the mother ends up bearing the brunt of the whole ordeal. It might break her up as a person, also. She feels like a ‘single parent.’ There are numerous cases in which the lady had to take a career break to satisfy the child-itch of the spouse. And in the end, there was a loss of pay, her career got side-tracked, and she became a Stay-At-Home-Mom (despite having professional degrees and a high intellect). This led to frustration and depression. Loss of money-making opportunities also led the spouse to comment that now he was the family’s sole breadwinner, which gave him the license to chastise his wife for not having a career.
And that, too, for something that you didn’t want in the first place.
Motherhood is a rollercoaster ride, second to none. It can only be experienced in all its entirety of collicky babies, slurrpy kisses, bruised knees and wholesome hugs of a tiny being who trusts you totally!
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