As adults, many of our emotional problems are due to disturbing childhood events. Therefore, to be an emotionally healthy adult, it is crucial to have a normal childhood. While the definition of normal varies from person to person, there are some standards that one must meet. As a mental health advocate, here are some tried and tested tips to ensure your kids – even your adult kids – have an emotionally healthy childhood and a positive relationship with you.
1. Know your weaknesses just as much as you know your strengths
The smart way to do anything well is to play to your strengths. Parenting is no exception. However, when you know your weaknesses and strengths, you are more likely to be a good parent than someone who only knows their strengths.
Consider that you are a single mother whose greatest strength is empathy and whose biggest weakness is impatience. When your child performs poorly in an exam despite studying hard, you will be able to soothe them because you are naturally empathetic. But if he, she, or they are hooked to devices and keep demanding more screen time, you are unlikely to explain why screens are bad. You may begin talking to them with empathy and end up losing your temper after the nth time they whine. In the latter situation, when you know you struggle with patience, you will probably share an informational video or post before you have a face-to-face conversation. Thus, it’s best to know your shortcomings and work around them.
2. Get all the help you need
Even in a two-parent household, raising a child is no mean feat. As the saying goes, it takes a village to raise a child. Never be ashamed to ask for help when you need it. Reach out to your friends and family to help you take care of your kids. If you can afford a babysitter, that’s even better because sometimes, loved ones may not be available or willing to babysit.
Of course, certain things cannot be delegated. While being a hands-on parent is a good approach, helicopter parenting is a terrible idea. Sadly, many people do it because they wrongly believe it will make their kids successful. On the contrary, it sets them up for failure. Plus, there will be times when you need a break from your child. Instead of forcing yourself to be involved on such days, why not give this responsibility to someone you trust? Even if you are someone who can pretend to be fine, know that like any sentient beings, kids can read energy. And knowing that you are unhappy around them will impact their self-esteem. Instead of focusing on the quantity of time you spend together, focus on the quality of time.
3. Practice active listening
Verywell Mind defines active listening as “a communication skill that involves going beyond simply hearing the words that another person speaks but also seeking to understand the meaning and intent behind them.” The purpose of practicing active listening is to make your child feel seen, heard, loved and believed. Over time, it will help them feel safe confiding in you, thus strengthening your bond.
When you listen actively, your child will grow to believe that their thoughts, feelings, opinions, and struggles matter. Unlike emotionally neglected children, they will have a healthy sense of self. You will reap these benefits simply because you are listening to them attentively and not dismissing or trivializing them. Children who don’t get to experience active listening tend to become anxious, insecure, and diffident adults.
4. Encourage authenticity
Many parents project their dreams and desires onto their spawn, often from the very day they are born. Accept your kids for who they are and who they want to be. For example, if they say they want to explore art as a career, don’t try to convince (read: force) them to be practical and choose science. In short, treat them with respect. Don’t condition, bully, or manipulate your progeny to become someone they are not.
When you allow your child to be authentic, you enable them to know themselves, explore the world, make brave choices, learn from mistakes, and eventually, emerge stronger. Since children learn far more by demonstration than instruction, you must be authentic too. Say what you mean and do what you say, and that’s more than enough to encourage authenticity.
5. Establish healthy boundaries
Being friendly with your kids is cool, but being their friend is a red flag. It’s crucial to know the difference between the two, especially when you are raising teenagers. Like any other relationship, if you don’t set healthy boundaries, your parent-child dynamic will be messy and dysfunctional. For example, your offspring may manipulate you with the silent treatment to get something they want but don’t need.
Also, setting boundaries will help you take care of your emotional health. When you are in a good place mentally, it will be easier for you to ensure your kid is also in good mental health. When you have a life of your own, are non-judgmental, and show mutual respect, your child will seek help from you instead of people their age. As Casey O’Roarty said, “The most powerful tool we have for influencing behavior is the relationship we build with kids.”
6. Consult a licensed counselor or therapist
Therapy can help you achieve all of the above and more. For example, it can ensure your kid has a secure attachment style, can think for and do things by themselves, and is aware of the range of human emotions.
Going to therapy will also send the message that you are taking charge of your life and figuring out solutions to problems. Whether you opt for solo sessions or parent-child sessions, therapy will empower you to understand various perspectives, make better decisions, manage difficult emotions, and learn from past mistakes. You will also break the stigma of going to therapy, thus ensuring that your young human will embrace it now and in later life.
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