How to turn what could be destructive feelings into something beautiful and constructive
When Lucy’s parents, who lived 3,000 miles away, told her over the phone that they were coming to visit for the holidays and were planning to stay 3 weeks with her, her heart raced. Last year, when her parents stayed with her, things didn’t go well. They expected her to take care of them, feed them and entertain them but it was too much work for her, she got sick with an acute bronchitis, and it took her a couple of months to recover from her illness.
That evening and the following days, anger and stress built up inside of her. She didn’t express those feelings, keeping them bottled in. The following days, things continued to simmer inside of her. Stress built up. Mary became angry at her parents for not being aware of the stress they were putting her under. Mary also became angry at herself for not having the guts to tell her parents that 3 weeks were too much for her. She would be happy to only host them for 2 or 3 days… but 3 weeks… Yikes. A part of Mary wanted to express her anger at her parents while another part of her wanted her to remain well-behaved, and to exhibit the socially acceptable behavior her parents had always taught her: accept the 3 weeks stay, be a nice host and smile. She kept her feelings bottled in. A few days later, she got sick. An acute pharyngitis (sore throat) developed, coupled with depression and fatigue.
Mary was not unique in getting sick after bottling up strong emotions.
Everybody has experienced anger and stress. The question is: What do we do with those feelings? Do we act on them? Do we keep them bottled in inside of us? If we act on our anger, we could hurt other people. If we keep our anger bottled in, studies show that adrenaline and cortisol which are our stress hormones will be secreted, making us more prone to infections and cardiovascular disease. Thus, instead of hurting other people, we will hurt ourselves.
The best way to deal with anger is to express it in a healthy way and turn this negative and possibly destructive feeling into a positive, constructive action.
Neuroscientist Dr. Matthew Lieberman at UCLA showed that when we put negative feelings into words, activity of our amygdala (the part of your brain associated emotion response and decision-making) decreases, process that may ultimately contribute to better mental and physical health. What’s more, the Harvard School of Public Health has evidence that shows that people who openly express their feelings are healthier than those who habitually suppress strong emotions.
How can we safely express anger without hurting ourselves or other people?
Here are 7 healthy, constructive and positive ways (some of them being quite beautiful) to express anger:
– Hit a ball: Learn how to play tennis, golf, table tennis, volleyball etc…Get boxing gloves and hit a punching ball imagining you are beating up the person that triggered your anger. You can also go to the gym and push iron or simply go for a run or a swim.
– Write out your anger: Get a paper and a pen and write the details of how you feel.
– Sing out your anger: Listen to music that carries anger with it. You can also create scores and lyrics that exactly match what you feel. Even if you don’t know music, what you will create can be quite beautiful. Use your voice or any musical instrument you are drawn to.
– Dance out your anger: on a staccato rhythm, in the privacy of your home, dance your anger out.
– Draw your anger: Take some paper and colorful crayons and draw whatever comes to mind. Some of those paintings can be quite gorgeous.
– Verbalize your anger when you are alone or with your therapist using a gestalt technique of putting a chair across from the chair you are sitting upon. Imagine that the person you are angry with is sitting on that chair and tell that chair everything that you are bottling up inside. Talk to that chair and scream at that chair. Another way to safely express anger is to put a few plump pillows on your sofa, wait until you are home alone, then hit those pillows, screaming at them pretending they are the person you are angry at. Within minutes your bottled-up rage will vent, and you will become more relaxed and objective.
– After using one of those techniques, when you feel less emotional, talk directly to the person you are angry with, calmly explain why you are angry, gently explore the different ways to fix the problem and suggest a way to prevent a similar event from happening again.
In Lucy’s case, she might discuss with her parents a way to make their stay either shorter or easier for her to handle.
Use those techniques as needed, especially around the holidays, for a healthy, happier life.
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