What if storming off in a huff isn’t an option this holiday season? Some family relationships can be toxic and difficult. Sitting across the table from someone constantly asking prying questions, making rude comments, or saying hurtful things can leave you seeing red. You may also dread the idea of passing the mashed potatoes to someone who posts rude, divisive content on social media all year.
The holiday dinner table can be a minefield of fiery political topics and painful interpersonal dynamics. Some of these wounds go back years. Others are as new as the most recent election cycle.
So, how do you cope with difficult family relationships around the holidays when giving a cold shoulder that would make Frosty the Snowman bristle isn’t an option? Take a look at ten strategies for keeping the peace.
Don’t Underestimate Physical Avoidance
Someone’s harsh words can’t get to you if they literally can’t get to you. Be strategic about always keeping physical distance between yourself and the person who gets under your skin. You don’t need to share physical space with someone who offends you just because you’re attending the same event. The most important thing is to ensure you don’t end up next to them at the dinner table.
If necessary, involve the host in ensuring you’re not placed near your holiday-season nemesis. While you may need to play a game of musical chairs, being constantly unavailable to lend an ear to their harsh banter may help prevent a big holiday blowup.
Decide That They Can’t “Have” Your Holiday
It’s unavoidable that a certain amount of your energy will be directed to someone who rubs you the wrong way during family events. It’s okay to let yourself be bothered. However, you don’t have to hand over all of your holiday joy to the person.
A change in mindset can be a big deal when you feel like someone’s dark shadow is lingering over your holiday plans just because you can’t get out of sharing the holidays with them without offending everyone.
Make a promise to yourself that you will not willingly give up your holiday joy just because there’s conflict. A holiday doesn’t have to feel perfect to be an amazing experience. You deserve to celebrate!
Have Some “Safe” Topics on Deck
Is there a family member always bringing up divisive, uncomfortable topics that lead to group disagreements? Outsmart them! This strategy can also be used on people who rudely bring up personal issues. Come up with three to five “safe” topics to discuss with this person. By starting the conversation with a topic in mind, you can steer the person away from their usual toxic topics.
So, what are some “safe” topics? If you’re looking to stay away from potentially explosive topics with relatives, try talking about these things:
- Travel – People like to talk about travel. It’s a pleasant topic that makes most people happy. You could ask about a recent vacation they took, bring up your travels, or ask what destinations are on their bucket list.
- Television shows or movies – Most people love discussing the latest Netflix show they binge-watch. Ask if they have watched any good movies or shows, or tell them about the latest series you can’t get enough of.
- Pets – Ask if they’ve seen any cute cats or dogs on Instagram. Or, make everyone laugh with your funny pet videos.
Try to stay positive and discuss cheerful topics. Avoid airing grievances or complaining. If you find yourself in a conversation that’s getting heated, quickly change the subject and move on to another topic.
Volunteer to Help in the Kitchen
If you’re dreading all the time, you usually spend mingling by the fire with loved ones because there’s some love lost between you and another person in attendance this year, keep yourself occupied.
One of the best ways to remain unavailable even when present is to “get stuck” in the kitchen. Volunteer to be in charge of the turkey, the desserts, or some other big-ticket tasks to ensure you have a perfect excuse for remaining unseen.
Practice Stating Boundaries Without Emotion
Avoiding holiday drama doesn’t mean becoming a holiday doormat. The person who constantly tests your boundaries is probably waiting for the opportunity to know that they’ve successfully pressed your buttons. Here are some great example phrases for shutting things down in common scenarios:
- “My dating life isn’t up for conversation this year. Merry Christmas!”
- “It’s not acceptable to smoke in my house. Please go outside if you want to smoke. Thank you.”
- “What an odd question.”
- “Why do you ask?”
- “That’s not something people usually bring up.”
- “Thanks for your opinion.”
- “What an interesting opinion.”
- “This feels like an unusual topic to bring up at Christmas. Let’s talk about something else.”
- “That doesn’t feel like a very holiday-friendly topic. I’ll stay away from it.”
These phrases can all be tweaked based on the type of scenario you’re facing. The goal is to leave your words curt. End everything with a sharp period. Never leave room for the other person to try to “argue their way” into a longer conversation about the topic.
When all else fails, walk away after the period on your part of the conversation has been trampled over. Worried that you are being rude? Nonsense, these are your boundaries, after all.
Use Flattery
Consider a scenario where a family member is pestering you because you won’t eat Aunt Alice’s pumpkin pie because you’ve recently started a gluten-free diet. You understandably feel angry, pestered, and annoyed. However, you want to avoid a confrontation. The best strategy for shutting this down can be to pivot to flattery.
Tell the family member you appreciate how much they want you to participate in the family tradition. Tell them that it warms your heart. Consider complimenting them on how good they are at cutting each piece they’re serving. This can be a case where flattery can get you everywhere by making the conversation go nowhere.
Make Your Visit Short and Sweet
There’s an art to knowing how to quit when you’re ahead. While you may not be able to avoid a visit, you can avoid an overextended visit. Please select a departure time that allows you to leave before wine, drowsiness, or opportunity can cause a family member to get too loose with their lips. The simple math on family visits is that shorter ones give people less time to say something inappropriate.
Keep a Text Thread Going
Are your friends in on the “family drama” you’re trying to avoid this year? You can use them as moral support even if they are busy with their own families for the holidays. Get a text thread that lets you document everything from your anxieties about a family visit to the wacky things your family members say. This can be a great way to let off some steam with your friends instead of blowing up in real life. In addition, you may be able to see the humorous side of things based on the funny replies of your friends. This strategy helps to turn the thing you dread into something you can laugh about with friends. You might find that this is a great way to take the power away from someone who is always horrible to you at family events.
Bring Games or Movies
Idle hands make for awkward conversation. You can reduce silences that invite unwanted conversation by helping keep everyone busy. Games can be great for keeping family members engaged without the need for a deep conversation that goes into awkward, heated places. Having a movie marathon of holiday flicks in the background can be even better because you have a constant source of distraction. What’s more, you can use the excuse of paying attention to a movie to avoid getting involved in family drama.
Extract Yourself When Necessary
Is anyone in the mood for a holiday walk? Feel free to grab your coat for a reflective holiday walk if family tensions arise. If you’re attending a holiday gathering with your partner or children, invite them to accompany you as allies. Simply saying that you want to enjoy the peacefulness of a quiet street on holiday is all that’s needed to justify why you’re walking out for a bit.
Final Thoughts
If only cutting family ties during the holidays could be as simple as taking scissors to tinsel! However, the truth is that keeping the peace is often needed when navigating the wide array of family relationships, we all manage. Taking the high road, centering yourself, and having some quick tricks for diverting conversations can help you reclaim the holiday season for your enjoyment instead of being triggered by difficult family members.
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