You’ve started menopause, so mum’s the word — or is it?
From birth, through the shy or alarming first experience of menstruation, and to the final one in menopause, mothers have a unique opportunity to influence their daughter’s understanding of growing and aging. After interviewing a group of daughters about their thoughts on their menopausal mothers, similar themes emerged that encourage mothers and daughters to respect and even celebrate the aging process in women.
Here are 5 things your daughter has to say about your menopause:
#1: “I didn’t know.”
That’s right. Your daughter may not know that you’re going through menopause. After all, by the time menopause hits, she may have already moved out of the house. If she isn’t used to talking with you about menstruation or bodily changes, she may not know that you have crossed into this phase of life.
Well, your daughter wants to encourage you to do this: be open about your menopause. Choose vulnerability and welcome your daughter into this chapter with you. She has been through her teens, many periods, and she may have even experienced her own pregnancy and postpartum seasons. She understands hormones — intimately. By sharing your journey with her, not only do you get to fight against feelings of isolation, but you also get to show your daughter what aging proudly can look like. That doesn’t mean sugarcoating the experience, but you may be able to empower your daughter in her own changes by sharing boldly about yours. Wisdom comes from experience, so invite her to peek at this new one of yours! She will be all the more ready when she eventually gets there.
#2: “It sounds miserable.”
Remember the encouragement not to sugarcoat your experience? It’s because she already knows that it contains some misery. If the relational tensions from mood swings and frustrations don’t evoke sympathy, the list of physical symptoms in menopause will. The hot flashes, fluctuating body weight, emotional dysregulation, and seemingly unending fatigue are not fun. The fact that menopause is what women get to signify the end of their child-bearing years is a bit absurd. The unfairness of it all is not lost on your daughter.
In fact, menopause can be a great point of bonding for the two of you as you endure the struggles. Having someone to bring a heat pack, a pain reliever, bring you out of your house or sit with you in it, or give you whatever remedy your body is crying out for, is an immeasurable gift. The symptoms may not dissipate, but your daughter wants you to know that you don’t have to be miserable alone. When you need breaks from each other because of emotions and feeling unwell, then allow the breaks. Menopause is one unpredictable roller coaster. Your daughter is here for you, just like the many times you were there for her during her miserable emotional and hormonal days.
#3: “It gives me some anxiety.”
Change can be difficult, and for a daughter, changes in her mother can be worrying. Sensing a difference in her mother can send a daughter into a spiral of anxiety as she wonders what exactly is happening, how long it will last, and if her mother will ever return to the one she has known most of her life. Menopause signals that her mama is getting older, and if her brain runs into the future or teases her with her biggest fears, she’s probably afraid of the day she loses you. While death comes to all, the idea of losing a mother is a daunting one. Maybe you’re a bit anxious about this aging process too. Never mind the fears of what your hormones will do, or what additional health risks you may face; maybe you’re afraid of feeling old, and it’s depressing. Ultimately, aging is a privilege. Your daughter will see that too. As difficult as they are to deal with, fears offer encouragement to reflect on what there is to be thankful for. Your daughter wants you to know that she is thankful for you. It’s her privilege to be able to spend these years with you.
#4: “It sounds like freedom.”
It was unanimous in the interviews that the best part of menopause is the end of menstruation. Sure, your daughter can no longer borrow period supplies when she visits you, but let it be clear: she is ecstatic for you! Now the end of the period doesn’t mean the end of the hormones. Your household may still experience the theatrics of emotional drama, which is all the more reason to celebrate where you can! So, woohoo to no more period!
Menopause may mean the end of a phase of life, but you can show your daughter that it can be the beginning of one as well. In addition to the financial freedom of no longer having to buy period products, for some daughters, their mom entering menopause offers some societal liberation. Once menopause is complete, ignorant people can no longer use your potential for PMS to discredit your feelings. They’ll be forced to see your worth where they should have seen it all along. This shouldn’t take menopause to figure out, but it’s something.
#5: “You’re my hero.”
Despite the emotional and physical chaos found in this season, what most daughters have gleaned from their mother’s menopausal legacy is admiration. For years your daughter has watched you crush the notions of patriarchal society. She’s seen you stand up to that male colleague, boss, or relative and show them that women are significant. Engaging in the world while at times being low in iron, high in anxiety, and dealing with fluctuating moods and body sizes is no small feat. From your menopausal journey, your daughters can learn that women are powerful, created with bodies that are strong and beautiful. Your legacy shows that being a woman is a vocation to be proud of. Your daughter can see that you are among a great community of women who, on the other side of menopause, become heroes with their wisdom for aging proudly. Hear that? Heroes.
Well, there they are, 5 things your daughter has to say about your menopause. May you both help each other process the ignorances, frustrations, and anxieties brought on by menopause; and may you also celebrate and embrace these changes together.
To you, mothers: you are an educator, a fighter, an encourager, a liberator – and you’re menopausal. You are incredible.
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