Did your children move out of the house, and now the absence makes your heart grow fonder? Yet, you can’t find a common ground for this new development. Research shows that the parent-children relationship declines as the children grow older and become independent.
Most times, parents struggle to let go of the child-like imagination of their children or envision them as independent adults. Who can blame them? Parents spent much of their lives raising these children and are already accustomed to having control. Therefore, there is always a space in your heart and your home when these children become adults or leave the house. And because the children are trying to find their place in the world, it’s easy to forget to maintain a relationship with their parents.
You don’t need to let the physical or emotional distance affect your relationship. And if it has, you can foster even better relationships, provided both parties are willing to do the work.
So, here are seven ways to create a healthy adult relationship with your children.
Be a Friend
Becoming your child’s buddy is the easiest way to draw them closer to you and create an adult relationship. All you need to do is be a good friend- be there for them. You should also be attentive, loving, trusting, and not quick to judge.
Remember that you were an authority figure when they were kids; now that they are older, you don’t need to be that anymore. Replace the “boss” with “friend,” and you could be laying the foundation of a new relationship with your children.
Let your children know you are always there for them – not just as a parent but also as a friend. Talk is cheap, and action speaks louder than voice. So, let your actions back your voice.
Listen to Support, not Criticize
It’s common to want to be the voice of reason when your adult child runs anything by you. Picture Moms – “Hey mom, I just got some money and want to buy a new car,” and the Amom says: “A new car! … come off it! You barely make enough money as it is.”
Of course, you are older and have more life experience, so you probably know better. But you should also remember that sometimes, people want someone who will listen to them and not criticize all their decisions.
Being that one person, your children can rant to can help create and foster a healthy relationship between you. Learn to be supportive – your children are at the stage where they are making mistakes to gain life experience. If you must criticize, do it gently, with love, and constructively. In other words – don’t be the parent that says, “I told you so.”
Spend Time Together
As children become adults, they spend more time with their peers and new families. They are also navigating the world, making it harder for them to find time for you. If this is the issue, discover common interests with your child and spend time with them exploring those interests.
For instance, arrange a trip together if you love to travel. If you don’t have any common interests, find out those of your children. Make a list of them and find the ones that are appropriate for you. A simple thing such as eating together at their favorite restaurant may be the start of your healthy adult relationship.
Stay in Touch
Stay in touch with your children. Calling or visiting is not the only way to stay in touch – social media makes communication easier nowadays. You can chat with them or drop cute texts telling them you miss them. Respect their boundaries as you do this, or they will feel choked and block you on social media.
Remember Important Dates and Names
While you may not forget your children’s birthday, what other important dates do you remember? How about the names of their friends or other significant people they introduce to you? Remembering an ex-partner’s name may be a way to bond with your children. Also, try to remember their stories. Your children will be amazed that you keep up with them and realize your importance.
Let Them Fly
This is the most important thing you must do to create a relationship with your adult children. Remember that they are now adults – so treat them as such. Ask for their opinion on important issues in your home or life. This is one way to show them you recognize they are adults and let them do adult “stuff.” If they want to move out and be independent, let them. If you think they are not ready, explain your reasons without arguing.
Therapy/Mediation
Sometimes, the strained relationship between you and your child is because of past trauma. Children face different issues growing up, and while they may not act like it, their subconscious keeps all the records. What wasn’t a big deal to them while they were young may become so when they become adults. As a result, they understand the true meaning behind all the “issues” they had growing up and act on them.
Going to therapy with your child or having a mediation may be a way to mend the relationship or create a new one.
Conclusion
Your relationship with your children can take a hit once they become independent. Sometimes, this strain is temporary – they need time to figure out things independently, while other times, it is permanent – depending on the relationship dynamics in your home.
In any case, irrespective of what the problem is, you can still salvage the relationship or create a new one. Having a healthy adult relationship with your children makes everyone’s lives easier.
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