Marriage is not always a bed of roses, all the time. You vowed to be there for your spouse during the good and hard times. You promised to take care of each other in sickness and health. In any marriage, there are challenging times when the spouse is quite sick (terminal/severe), and the other has to take care of them. Despite good intentions and a heart full of love for your spouse, long-drawn-out sickness/health issues test your love and patience to the maximum.
The second-in-command of the house – the spouse has got to not only take care of the additional household duties but also take the patient to the hospital, research the best doctors, find the most promising treatment for their partner, keep a night-time vigil for any sudden medical spikes, keep the patient also in good spirits, relay the patient’s updates to the extended family members repeatedly, collaborate with the insurance companies, keep a running check on the personal finances also in case of any sudden requirement, be at the beck and call of the patient 24X7, negotiate leave from their employers and also be one step ahead of the disease(in case, the current treatment plan doesn’t work as expected).
It is not an easy task at all, and here is how you can care for your spouse without losing your composure and sanity:
1. Accept It: Focus on the Solution instead of the Problem
Any health diagnosis is always difficult to accept – whether for a minor issue or any terminal illness. It is not only a hard pill to swallow for the patient but also for the entire family. After getting a second opinion, the first step toward recovery is to accept the diagnosis.
Yes, health issues are challenging. But there’s no way you can reverse them now. Instead of dwelling on the problem, let’s accept it and fixate on the solution. There is no sense in thinking about the diagnosis and wondering how you contracted it (in case of infectious diseases), whether they are genetic, or whether you are plain unlucky. All these roads lead to nowhere. They suck your time and energy.
On the contrary, use this time and energy to focus on the solution to the diagnosis:
- Whether you need to consult with a specialist
- Find the best hospital for the particular ailment in your vicinity
- Whether you require surgery or should you try to get well with just medication (if that’s an option)
- What tests need to be conducted, etc.
In some extreme cases, you might also need to consider a hospice, or you ought to go for medical tourism (in case the facilities in your country are exorbitantly expensive/unavailable or there’s a massive waiting list).
Focusing on the solution will provide you with a sense of purpose and distract your mind from the sad state of affairs while establishing a sound plan of action for the treatment.
2. Don’t Go Down The “Why Us?/Why Me?” Road: Life is not fair
The highway of “Why Me?” or “Why Us?” is paved with anger and has potholes of frustration. Ironically here, the road rage is directed toward us. The problem gets even more compounded by the fact that one is a fitness freak/gym rat who eats healthy, walks 10,000 steps daily, has periodic medical checkups, etc.
Then it’s tough to comprehend how could such a person be so ill. Here is when the “Why Me?”/”Why Us?” doubts creep in
- What did I do so wrong that I got handed down this unlucky card?
- I attend church regularly and contribute to charities, yet God is punishing me.
- I eat healthily; work out three times a week, yet I have this disease; In what way is it fair?
- I volunteer at soup kitchens; I don’t think wrong about anyone, yet I may die soon. Why?
Unfortunately, life is not fair. Diseases and health scares don’t discriminate based on whether you are a good person, whether you fostered a child or adopted one, and whether you wished bad luck on someone or not. They just come knocking.
So, avoid going down this “Why Me?” highway. This road doesn’t lead anywhere. It only leads to misery and depression.
3. Do What You Need To Recharge Every Day: Everyone is counting on you
Only some people can hire a nurse or ask friends/neighbors/extended family to pitch in all the time. In most cases, the spouse is the primary caregiver 24X7. Hence, it is essential to take care of yourself as well. It is a fact that most caregivers forget/ignore/side-step because they feel that they don’t have the bandwidth/time to focus on themselves.
Okay, don’t worry. You can multitask. You can do breathing exercises while cooking or sitting guard in the patient room. Breathe slowly (as long as you can stretch it out), hold it for 2-3 seconds, and then slowly exhale. Do five rounds, and you will feel a bit calmer.
If you are a smoker, you can have a cigarette while the patient is sleeping, nurses are attending to the patient in the hospital room, or someone has come visiting. Take that 5-minute break to recharge yourself.
And why are we harping on the issue of looking after yourself when your spouse is seriously sick? Because you will only be able to focus on them when you are calm and recharged.
Have you ever wondered why the in-flight safety announcements ask the passengers to wear their oxygen masks first before helping anyone else – even their children? This is because when aiding someone else to wear their mask (without wearing yourself first), you may lose consciousness due to a lack of oxygen. Neither will you be able to help them, not yourself.
The same logic applies here as well. When the partner is seriously sick, it is a long, drawn-out battle wherein, as the primary caregiver, you have to always be at your best. So, don’t forget to take care of yourself as well.
4. Join A Support Group: Vent it Out
Please join an online or offline support group according to your comfort level. They do exactly as their name suggests – support you. Plus, anyone with a similar diagnosis can also point you in the right direction regarding doctors, tests, procedures, post-operative care, etc. They would have already researched and can share their experiences with you.
And when the going gets tough, you have a backup family in the form of your support group. The other benefit of support groups is that they help you vent your frustrations, worries, apprehensions, and concerns, which you can’t do in front of your spouse and immediate family because you are holding the fort together.
5. Hard Facts: Make End-of-Life Plans
Last but not least, do ask your partner to make their end-of-life plan. Of course, no one likes to think about their own death, but such a plan is essential. It will take away the stress from the family to make decisions about you. With a plan in place, they will know your exact wishes and will not have to second-guess themselves whether they are making the best choices or not. Another benefit of this plan is that it gives the patient the security that their wishes regarding essential things will be followed even when their condition deteriorates and they cannot communicate.
Typically, an end-of-life plan includes the following:
- Treatment/Care Choice
- Resuscitation Decisions
- Spiritual/Religious Areas
- Will/Trust for Assets
- Power of Attorne
- Organ/Tissue Donation Decisions
- Burial/Cremation Arrangements
- Funeral/Memorial Arrangements – Hymn Preferences, the scale of the service, preferred funeral flowers, etc.
This time of sickness may seem challenging to you, but it will pass. Have faith in your spouse, the doctors, and most importantly – yourself!
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