Falling in love at first sight, high-school sweethearts, soulmates, one-carat diamond engagement ring, a fairy tale destination wedding, and living happily forever – is often the stuff for fairytales. Real life is so different, but at the same time, when you have been married for a couple of decades (to the same person), you do realize that your fairytale did come true. It may not be as perfect as the ones you were regaled with in your childhood, but it is nothing less than that.
It is your fairytale romance and an abiding marriage, which is as beautiful as the ever-happily fairytales!
And during these two decades, you must have realized that your relationship with your spouse has grown; you have handled multiple life events together; you have encountered various changes in your life/relationship, and your love has become more robust. From GF-BF/lovers/fiance/spouses, you have also become Best Friends Forever (BFF) during this decades-old partnership.
However, changes can also mean concern and unease. This article will help you navigate that space:
1. Need for Intimacy is Less:
The passion of the twenties, the experimental-kinky nature of the thirties, and the relaxed lovemaking phase of the forties have passed. Now, buttons, zips, and clothes don’t go flying whenever you both have a moment alone in the house.
And that’s perfectly fine!
Don’t make it an issue that your partner doesn’t love and desire you as they used to. Don’t fall into the trap of suspecting them if they are having a fling on the side; that is why they are now uninterested in you. The real reason behind this phase could be low libido due to aging.
Menopausal females also don’t want sex like they used to; hence, the fires of passion in the marriage could be running low. Even though there is much debate on male menopause, it is proven that in the late forties and fifties, males also experience a drop in their testosterone levels, which in turn leads to loss of sex drive and even erectile dysfunction in some extreme cases.
So, how to keep the spark alive?
Intimacy is not always about coitus; it is also about the simple things in life, like sharing your day, random kisses, hugging, long bear hugs, and being present for each other. Instead of a romp, you could cuddle/hug/hold hands. Just snuggle with each other on the bed and talk your heart out.
2. No one understands you better than your spouse
You both have been together for decades, and slowly but steadily, you have learned the quintessential quirks of your partner. The quirks seemed cute at first, thoroughly irritating later, but now, with age and maturity, you sometimes don’t register them. They have also learned to take them for granted, and it is no longer a contentious issue.
On the other hand, your needs are a wholly different arena. As a loving partner, your spouse knows them, and your choices are a priority. So, you like your eggs sunny side up, but they want them scrambled, so isn’t it wonderful to see that there’s always a plate of sunny side up eggs for you on your breakfast table? Isn’t it lovely to know that they have saved you a slice of your favorite pie from a social dinner when you couldn’t make it in time due to a last-minute work emergency?
It is no doubt that living under the same roof for decades has made you attuned to each other’s habits, needs, and illogical quirks as well. They have successfully crossed the transition from just being a spouse to a BFF.
At the same time, there will be some things that they will forget to do, despite years of nagging – like putting the toilet seat down or leaving the coffee mugs on the counter instead of putting them in the dishwasher. Even BFFs aren’t always prim, proper, and perfect, right?
My advice on this issue would be to let it go – don’t stress and get your BP high. Ignore a few stray tendrils of such instances. Maybe, there are some equivalent habits on your part that you haven’t rectified even though your spouse has been nagging about it for years. So, quid pro quo! You ought to see the bigger picture in life.
3. You Both Have Grown Together In The Last Two Decades And Had Each Other’s Backs All The Time Through Various Landmark Events:
a) Your Own Cute Little Family: Birth of children to an empty nest
From being giddy with excitement on seeing the positive pregnancy test to holding the apple of your eye’s tiny fingers and finally sending them to college, you both have come a long way. From sleepless nights to an empty nest, life has come full circle. And who did you have by your side to navigate this beautiful phase in your life – your partner, your spouse, right?
b) Navigating Grief: Death of parents/in-laws
Who enveloped you in their arms and shuddered your flailing arms and hoarse cries when you learned that you had lost a parent? Your partner looked after you just like a baby and even took on your share of the household duties to give you time to grieve.
d) Health Issues: Medical Emergencies, Surgeries,
Midnight trips to the ED, sitting by your bedside waiting for you to come back to a conscious state after surgery, googling for the best care hospitals for your ailments, or just reading reviews of the doctors to find the best bet for you – spouses have done that for each other. And when some health issue strikes, then with it, it also brings the revelation of how important your spouse is to you, how much you love them, and how much you depend on them as well. Sometimes, in our day-to-day life, we forget to acknowledge how much we love and trust our spouses. These feelings come to the forefront immediately when you are waiting for the doctor to come and tell you that everything will be fine after the surgery.
e) Career issues
Layoffs, downsizing, arrogant bosses, unrealistic goals set by superiors, office politics, scheming colleagues, last-minute work emergencies, sudden office travel, etc.
All couples navigate this space and can do so because of the love and support of their friends or family. And among these supporting stars, the spouse holds a special mention.
And in case you want to chuck up your safe, salaried job to become an entrepreneur, then the spouse is the one who keeps the homes fires burning and the groceries coming while you burn the midnight oil to set up your business. They offer a shoulder to cry upon when the client doesn’t sign up at the last minute despite committing; they also pop open the champagne when you land your first round of startup funding/significant milestone. They also motivate you to slog through ungodly hours to establish your brand.
Spouses come in all flavors, temperaments, nature, personalities, psyche, individualities, and peculiarities with their eccentricities and mannerisms. No one is perfect.
What is required is to see the bigger picture, and with a rock-solid partnership of over two decades, you both have cracked the code. You both have also successfully transitioned into BFFs who always have each other’s backs.
If your spouse can hear your sigh and immediately drop everything to enquire what is wrong, then s/he is a keeper! And if you have been married to them for decades, then you have won the lottery of love!
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